Bright

2005-12-08T19:55:00.000-06:00

I bought a new cell phone ring yesterday and I was really excited about it, making people I was sitting with call me so they could hear it.

I just picked up my phone from an unidentified number. It was my granny. Somehow "Big Poppa" did not bring my mood to such that I could talk to her without sounding disappointed.

Time to rethink the ringtone.

2005-12-07T12:40:00.001-06:00

So I was in the car today listening to "Fuck and Run" (it's the only CD I have in my car....*excuses*) and I decided I'm not depressed anymore.

Just like that I snapped out of it. I've been punishing myself lately. Intense punishment. From watching terrible movies about betrayal over and over to hanging out with people who are just using me. I am stopping. I am content (happy-go-lucky, even), once again. And for all those people who I've let walk all over me, fuck you I say. I am celebrating with a new hair color. Sometimes it is the little things.

Me and K broke up. To say that it is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through is an understatement. To say I had a bad reaction to it would be an even worse understatement. For a brief while I became one of those girls I love to hate, and nobody wants to be that girl. So. I can actually study today. I have decided to start the slow journey of being happy with myself before I try to give myself to someone. It just isn't going to work out any other way. I am too full of self loathing the majority of the time to "deserve" to be happy. These past six months have been a testament to that.

In other news, I shall end this post with a picture of me and C being seductive. You know you love it.

2005-12-06T14:14:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feeling better when I'm feeling no pain.

2005-12-04T17:18:00.000-06:00

I have not been writing lately. Absolutely no one has been reading lately. Funny how that works out.

I am sad, sad, sad. I told my mom I was just sad (after she asked if I just woke up) and she told me "pride goeth before a fall." For some reason, that seems right. Although it is kind of a bitch thing to say.

I have a history of sabatoging myself. I come so close to culmination, to the finale, and then I can't take it. I suffocate. I hurt people. I hurt people. I hurt myself.

2005-11-29T19:55:00.000-06:00

I feel lost. Incredibly, ridiculously lost.

2005-11-27T21:24:00.000-06:00

Worst Thanksgiving of my life. To say that this has been the week from hell would be an understatement. Understatement. I do not want to talk to anyone (okay, maybe two people) and I don't want to explain. myself. anymore. Rather than going through why Thanksgiving sucked huge donkey dick, I'll just leave you with a couple of charming soundbites from my mother:

"You know that you're really pretty when you wear make-up, and you know, put in a little effort. Where is all that make-up I bought you?"

"I just hope you realize that this could be a huge mistake."

"Do you want to change into a shirt that actually fits before we go inside?"

Yay for being back in Waco. Yay, I say.

2005-11-20T19:54:00.000-06:00

I am so conflicted right now I can't think. Not really conflicted, maybe just scared of everything that is about to happen. Everything I am about to do. Risk-taker.

2005-11-17T10:53:00.000-06:00

Drunken Haze. I think I should probably stop (ha). Two Dolla Holla!

Tonight, butterscotch Schnapps and 'arry Potter.

TROOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLL. TROOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLL IN THE DUNGEON.

2005-11-15T10:52:00.000-06:00

I think I must be really terrible at tennis. We had a skills test today, and after I got 3 extra shots than everyone else (the tennis instructor pities my tennis-proless upbringing, I think) and finally got my score up to an 88, like three people clapped. There was no clapping for anyone else.

Now, an exchange between me and B after discussing how we are stressed about graduating and haven't been sleeping:

Me: So are we drinking tonight?
B: If I drink tonight, I'm just going to pass out.
M: That's a yes?
B: No!
M: It's Two Dollar Tuesday!
B: Non-negotiable cocktails are tomorrow, we'll drink then.
M: But it's Two Dollar Tuesday!
B: We cannot start drinking all these days in a row.
M: Drinks will only be Two Dollars though. We'll take naps.
B: So we'll take a nap until 10:00, and drink until 8:00?
M: Be reasonable, we'll nap until 9:00 and drink until 1:00.
B: That's ridiculous. Cocktails. Tomorrow.
M: I really like Two Dollar Tuesday.
B: GOD! We'll See.

Victory...It is mine.

2005-11-14T02:52:00.000-06:00

Things that get on my nerves:

1) The fact that since K jacked my Microsoft Word software from somebody who had stolen it from Mark Mastin, every time I try to type free-market, socialist-market, or mar- anything it automatically fills in Mark Mastin.

2) The fact that all my political science homework is about markets.

3) This kid right here who will not leave me alone when trying to sit on the step in peace.

4) Staying up past my self-imposed-when-I'm-not-doing-anything-fun-bedtime.

5) Being cranky as all hell.

2005-11-12T22:56:00.000-06:00

Four girls

+ Four bottles of wine

= Way too much fun

2005-11-11T04:27:00.000-06:00

I was in a long line at the convenient store today buying smoking devices (I am going to quit, I swear!) when I noticed a fratastic guy talking to a crazy-eyed homeless man inside the store.

Waco is wonderful that way, one is either fratastic or supremely poor, there is very little middleground. Usually the two groups ignore one another, that is unless one is asking the other for money and the other responding with a "fuck off." I figured that this was the tail end of such an exchange, but no, FG was giving CEHM man his address and a time to go by his house the next day in order for CEHM to detail FG's Land Rover for some pocket money.

Amazing, I thought. A nice FG. This is rare. Personally CEHM of all varieties scare me. I usually give them a dollar so they won't piss on my car. Or break into my apartment and hit me.

So I'm marveling at how maybe I have been too judgmental, lo these 3 years, of all the fratastics. I would maybe hang out with FG, I'm thinking. FG is nice. I miss nice people. He starts a conversation with the guy in front of him in line even, he is friendly. I start wishing I was friendly. Maybe I am the abnormal, surly girl.

FG is soon second in line for the cashier lady, when he picks up a penny from the take-a-penny tray. FG then takes two pennies. And another. And another. FG picks up every fucking one of the pennies from the tray, and gives me a sideways glance. I look away quickly. Maybe he is just playing with them, I think. Why would someone with a Land Rover possibly jack all the take-a-pennies? Purchase total: $3.32. He uses all the pennies.

W....T....F?

2005-11-11T04:01:00.000-06:00

God how do people disappoint me so? Time and time again. Boys are disgusting, lecherous creatures. I should just realize people are going to let me down, and the only rational, sane, person is myself. And maybe K.

I just want to throw up.

In other news, today was productive. I talked to my former Honors advisor and he's going to take the Incomplete off my record. Graduation, it is imminent. I cannot think of one tangible thing I have learned in my undergraduate career. Perhaps that there is such thing as the IMF and the World Bank. Also that Christianity makes little to no sense. There are three things, at least.

I don't think this is what my parents had in mind while paying for my very expensive supervision/degree from the Southern Baptist University.

2005-11-08T23:04:00.000-06:00

I am ready to get the hell out of Waco. In other news, I came all the way home today from socializing in order to watch Gilmore Girls. I am only writing this right now because there is a commercial break. I am 21 years old. Normal? Abnormal?

Maybe I am just tired of "hanging out." Me and B used to use "hanging out" as an euphemism for all sorts of stuff, FYI. Nostalgia. Oh gross. Hate.

This is all I have right now.

2005-11-03T02:27:00.000-06:00

The thing about hanging out with somewhat snotty but hilarious girls is that you never know when they're going to turn on you. It suffocates me. Is this a social anxiety disorder or does my friend too feel the awkwardness? I can never tell anymore.

I am not sure if it's a good thing that I feel the same as I have always felt. I am the same girl that I was in high school. This means for sure I am not a sell-out; it could also mean that I am missing the chance for growth that everyone else is having. I am graduating from college. I am the same as I have always been.

December 17 cannot come soon enough. I miss hugs from the boy I love. The sap, it kills.

2005-11-02T16:07:00.000-06:00

Something about flies brings out the evil four year old boy inside of me. After I had stalked the fly around my apartment I told it "Prepare to die!" before I sprayed it with bug juice.

Who is this girl? Where did she come from?

2005-11-02T10:41:00.000-06:00

I woke up in the freezing cold having dreamt dreams of cutting down trees and fighting with Fern Gully folk.

God, I hope today is going to be a better day.

Please God let today be a better day.

2005-11-02T00:04:00.000-06:00

So this is going to be my outlet. I have not decided whether or not I am going to keep it anonymous, but seeing as I'm starting with a picture that seems unlikely.

My last semester of college is almost over. I find myself being more industrious that usual, and I am unsure whether or not this is because I'm panicked about graduating or whether I am trying to "make up" for all my previous years of slacking. They are, after all, giving me a degree.

Crazy ass weekend. So much drama, but not on my part. Being in a stable relationship allows for a minimal amount of drama. I can't say I miss it really. Maybe I do, a teeny bit, so that I could have something to relate.

What am I going to do after graduation?