I bought a new cell phone ring yesterday and I was really excited about it, making people I was sitting with call me so they could hear it.

I just picked up my phone from an unidentified number. It was my granny. Somehow "Big Poppa" did not bring my mood to such that I could talk to her without sounding disappointed.

Time to rethink the ringtone.

So I was in the car today listening to "Fuck and Run" (it's the only CD I have in my car....*excuses*) and I decided I'm not depressed anymore.

Just like that I snapped out of it. I've been punishing myself lately. Intense punishment. From watching terrible movies about betrayal over and over to hanging out with people who are just using me. I am stopping. I am content (happy-go-lucky, even), once again. And for all those people who I've let walk all over me, fuck you I say. I am celebrating with a new hair color. Sometimes it is the little things.

Me and K broke up. To say that it is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through is an understatement. To say I had a bad reaction to it would be an even worse understatement. For a brief while I became one of those girls I love to hate, and nobody wants to be that girl. So. I can actually study today. I have decided to start the slow journey of being happy with myself before I try to give myself to someone. It just isn't going to work out any other way. I am too full of self loathing the majority of the time to "deserve" to be happy. These past six months have been a testament to that.

In other news, I shall end this post with a picture of me and C being seductive. You know you love it.

Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feeling better when I'm feeling no pain.

I have not been writing lately. Absolutely no one has been reading lately. Funny how that works out.

I am sad, sad, sad. I told my mom I was just sad (after she asked if I just woke up) and she told me "pride goeth before a fall." For some reason, that seems right. Although it is kind of a bitch thing to say.

I have a history of sabatoging myself. I come so close to culmination, to the finale, and then I can't take it. I suffocate. I hurt people. I hurt people. I hurt myself.

I feel lost. Incredibly, ridiculously lost.

Worst Thanksgiving of my life. To say that this has been the week from hell would be an understatement. Understatement. I do not want to talk to anyone (okay, maybe two people) and I don't want to explain. myself. anymore. Rather than going through why Thanksgiving sucked huge donkey dick, I'll just leave you with a couple of charming soundbites from my mother:

"You know that you're really pretty when you wear make-up, and you know, put in a little effort. Where is all that make-up I bought you?"

"I just hope you realize that this could be a huge mistake."

"Do you want to change into a shirt that actually fits before we go inside?"

Yay for being back in Waco. Yay, I say.

I am so conflicted right now I can't think. Not really conflicted, maybe just scared of everything that is about to happen. Everything I am about to do. Risk-taker.